How the Gift of Under-parenting Your Daughter Will Instill Self-esteem for Life

When my first daughter was born, I was a nervous wreck.  I had no idea what to do with this tiny human.  As she grew, my life revolved around meeting her needs and making sure her life was perfect.  I was definitely the helicopter parent who did everything for my daughter and fought her when she wanted a little independence.  No you can’t wear that outfit, no you can’t go outside without a coat!  I took care of her every need and kept her close, because this is what a good mom does, right?  

Actually no.  I learned this the hard way, when I had my second child.  My first daughter was terribly jealous and did not want to be left alone for a second.  Yes, some of this is normal, but to some extent my over-parenting had led to her anxiety.  I had not allowed her to do anything on her own until her sister was born, so why would she have the skill of independence?  I had to learn how to take a step back, for everyone’s sake.

Yes, it sounds harsh, but just let them be, mama for your child’s sake and for your own!  Not only is over-parenting harmful for them, it wrecks havoc on your ability to be anything besides an overworked mom.  So, take a big step back, and allow your children to dress themselves, feed themselves and play alone when they are reasonably safe and ready.  

Under-parenting is truly a gift for you and your children.  Over- parenting, while based in good intentions, doesn’t help our kids. In fact, it robs them of so much. Kids thrive when they’re challenged, not micromanaged. We can’t implant self-esteem into our children by telling them how terrific they are.  Self-esteem is earned from hard work and mastery.  

Teach your children that they can do tasks for themselves and others too.  Teach them that they are part of a family unit, not the center of the universe.  Parents deserve time to play as well.  

Our job is not to make our children happy and successful.  Our job is not to protect them from failure.  Our job is to teach them how to get up when they fall.  Our job is to prepare our children to become well adjusted adults.  

This transition from over-parenting to under-parenting does not happen without some effort from both you and your child.  Identify little tasks they can do themselves and then step back and give them the opportunity to do them in their own way. You will eventually have less stress and a bit more free time.  Relaxing your grip is a serious win-win for both of you!