Why We Should Never Say “Why” and What to Say Instead

Have you ever noticed how difficult it is to remember everything we know about parenting in the heat of the moment?  When one of my daughters walks into the room clearly feeling emotional, I just react.  “What is it?  Why are you upset?!…”  Their reply is typically something incredibly unhelpful, like, “Nothing!”  or, “Leave me alone.” Suddenly, I am feeling emotional too!  I think, “What is wrong with my kids? “What am I doing wrong?”  

I have learned a ton about parenting and yet, when my kids are behaving in ways that trigger me, all of that knowledge and wisdom goes out the window.  I completely forget that some responses are helpful, and others just are not.

For example, sometimes one of my daughters will just start crying out of the blue.  My first instinct as a parent is to figure out the problem.  My first question is, “Why are you so upset?”.  Then I continue with, “What’s wrong?” and, “I can’t help if you don’t tell me what is bothering you!”.  Yet, she continues to cry, and I continue to get more and more frustrated until I just feel like crying too!

I am a life coach, and I know better.  Asking “why” is always the wrong response.  This word is a loaded one.  I know it seems like an innocent little three letter word, but it is not.  The word “why” usually makes things worse because it feels blaming.  It feels like an accusation.  That simple word will likely trigger defensiveness and even blaming of others.  

Even though we are just trying to help, this word makes our children feel unheard.  Often, they have no idea “why”!  This makes sense when they are young, as they don’t have the language yet to describe to us exactly what is going on.  But it is also true for teens.  Teens and pre-teens have feelings they don’t understand too.  My teenager sometimes feels very upset and has no idea why.  It can be hunger, fatigue or even hormones.

So, what do we do instead?  It’s really quite simple.  We just need to listen.  Easy as pie, right? No!  When we are triggered too, it’s not that easy.  So first we need to take a deep breath and remember what children want: to feel heard.

So instead of asking why, it’s key for us to remember that in the moment, we don’t need to know what caused our child’s feelings.  We don’t even need to solve anything; we just need to acknowledge how they feel.  Try saying, “You are feeling sad,” or “That noise felt scary to you,” or for older kids, “You are having some big emotions right now.” Later, when they are no longer upset, you can discuss “why.”

Parenting girls is never easy, but sometimes just a few tweaks in what we say can make our day, and our kids, a bit happier.